There is value in struggle: A story of how I found my voice.
Hi, I’m Chris dePinna, personal trainer, wellness engineer and owner of Above Health Performance. In the 8 years I’ve spent in the fitness industry, I noticed a lack of service quality. Above Health Performance is the best way I know how to provide a higher level of quality service. We want to provide the type of support that gives each client the power to be their own wellness engineer. And a part of that is telling my story, but first I got some questions for you.
Have you felt like you're wearing a mask even before Covid-19? Like you’ve been hiding your true self because you’re afraid of being judged? Or Feel like you’re not living up to your potential, and opening up fully is scary?
If you have, then keep reading. You might like this story. It’s my story and how I’ve found the courage to speak out about who I fully am because I’ve realized that I’m worth it and owe it to my family and friends to know everything that goes on inside my head.
“Are you still in the car, Chris?”
My mother asked on a trip home from the coast when I was little. I replied “Yeah”. In a combed state of daydreaming and admiring of the landscape. I did this a lot growing up. I wasn’t very talkative or loud. I would just chill, observe mostly and be in my head.
Around the ages 10-12, while at an eye appointment for a special condition known as retinitis pigmentosa, later diagnosed as coronal retinopathy as I got older. As my doctor started talking, I had no idea what he was about to explain would forever define my life. “Given our research on your condition, your chances of going blind through puberty are 50/50” he said. I’m sure he explained further but I heard the mic drop, that was it for me. I was terrified of losing my sight. I eventually got over it. I decided I had a 50% chance of not losing my sight, a more positive and healthy lifestyle followed. However, I missed the most important part of my anguish. I didn’t talk about it. This was my M.O. until eighth grade where I broke out of my shell a bit. Since then I’ve been exercising and eating healthy and peeling layers away like an onion.
A lot happened in eight grade. For starters, I survived puberty with my sight, so I was feeling great. I was able to reflect on a mostly good life with friends, sports, and being blessed with an early modeling career. Although life was good, there were more struggles to come. I believe that my early modeling career was a blessing and a curse. It showed me how to be an adult early on but I learned how to become a different version of myself. I only showed my true self to a select number of people. While it was cool to be able to leave class for an audition or photoshoot gig, a part of me wanted to be “normal”. With my eyes, I was already different and tried so hard to be normal that for a long time I kept the reason I was leaving classes a secret.
My family is huge soccer fans and my brothers and I had the privilege to play on a premier club team growing up. I put a lot of work into improving my soccer skills and wasn’t going to let my disadvantage with eyesight mess that up. However, it blinded me to what happened during try-outs for the U15 club team. . These try-outs were a big deal to me. They defined if my club soccer career stopped or continued. I practiced as much as I could between school and modeling leading up to try-outs, and on the last day of try-outs the worst situation that could have happened, happened. I got cut from the team. I was defeated. Crushed and disappointed. This moment set me on a path full of self ridicule, self doubt, and hurt my confidence. These feelings and thoughts still creep up in my thoughts every now and again but I have a much better handle on them now. It only took 15 years of my life and a pandemic to get over myself but, that’s life I guess. Anyway, getting back to my story, high school ended up being just fine for me. As I did before, I put my head down, didn’t talk about it and moved forward.
As normal as my life got, I still remained reserved. This affected getting close in friendships and my relationships with girlfriends until College. Later my junior year I found a discipline called Parkour. The discipline taught me how to personally and physically overcome my challenges. While I was really good at getting over walls and other obstacles, I struggled to personally overcome my reservations on being vulnerable.
Moving out of my parents house and into the dorms at college was more freeing than anything I had had before. I had let myself go physically and buried my demons in alcohol and parties. . I ended up getting arrested. That arrest was a low point in my life. However, sitting in the same room as an accused rapist and domestic abuser felt worse. Those are two people, I never would want to be associated with. Yet there I was spending the night with them instead of enjoying time with my family and friends. I sobered up and the self ridicule began.
“How could I have let this happen? How could I be so stupid? I need to get my life together. I have to be better.”
Little did I know, those last words “...be better” would be part of the problem and solution.
Since that moment in college, I searched for myself, to get control, and ultimately feel comfortable in my own skin. Even though I got an elite personal trainers certification, a 4 year college degree in kinesiology, got a job as a personal trainer and have been blessed with many clients. I was still peeling back the onion.
College wasn’t all bad though, I found love. To this day, I believe my wife was put in my path that freshman year for a reason. To show me I can be myself. To show me I am valued and loved. However, the greatest thing was she would become only the second person I felt I could be vulnerable with. She listens to my bullshit and assures me that everything will be alright, all I need to do is slow down, get organized and flow. That is exactly what I did, until the year 2020.
I had a lot more time on my hands when the shutdown happened. My clientele got cut in half because I couldn’t work at the gym. The stress caused moments of self doubt, feelings of not being good enough, and questions of whether or not I was ready to truly be a business owner. These doubts and stresses took a toll on my relationships. I was losing money and felt like I was losing my marriage too. Then I agreed to go on a trip to the coast to get me out of my environment with my best friend. The purpose of this trip was about getting relaxing time to help me get my mind right.
Now that my head is straight, I have more clarity. I realized “Being my best” goes back to being told I could go blind during puberty and not wanting to lose my eyesight. It's why I worked so hard on my physical appearance for modeling and after I got cut from the soccer team. It was instilled in me by my high school’s mantra: “Age quod agis” which translates from latin to “do well whatever you do.” and I believe that it is part of my upbringing as well. While being your best comes with a lot of accomplishments, it can also feel like a tremendous pressure on your shoulders. You may be unable to be vulnerable with others in fear of judgement of not being your best. It may make you be more reserved and not speak out due to the fear of saying the wrong thing to the wrong person. It can be a brutal cycle that in the end always tears you further apart. The truth is, we all have life lessons we had to learn. we have all had struggles and will continue to have them. However, I know now, that it is never a good idea to bottle things up and not talk about your feelings. Whatever you may be going through, talk to someone about it. Speak out about it, be open with whomever you like, because you never know if someone else may be able to relate and you can help each other heal. Everyone’s life is valuable and everyone has a voice. All we have to do is choose to speak it. We have the power to do whatever we set our minds to do.
Today, I have a loving wife, who understands me better than I could ever imagine. We have a deep connection and it is getting deeper each time we are vulnerable with each other. She helped me through my darkest time and brightens my life to this day. I have been successful in training and getting others results with my fitness business. I am finally excited about the future of my career.
Thank you for reading my story, I hope it inspires you to be vulnerable and go after what you want. Remember, you are worth any effort you put into yourself when it comes to your well being and being vocal about it can be a good thing because someone is always there to listen.
Comment: Voice
If you want to talk.